Recently I talked to two friends about the passing of their grandmothers. Both grandmothers lived to a ripe old age of over 90 and just like that, one day, their families could not wake them up so they were rushed to a hospital's emergency department.
Grandma A has well-to-do children so when the doctors say that they could not do anything more for her, her children transferred her to a private nursing home who fed her via the tube through her nose (she was still in a coma) and took good care of her. Her children visited her daily and she stayed in a coma for one whole month before she passed away silently in the wee hours of the night at the nursing home without any loved ones beside her.
Grandma B does not have well-to-do children so when her children saw that she was in a coma in the hospital, they asked her whether she would like to go home and when tears started streaming down Grandma B's face, the children took it as yes so they signed her out of the hospital themselves against the advice of doctors, took her home and made her comfortable. The children applied for leaves from work and took turns to sit by her bedside round the clock, feeding her via a tube through her nose, changing her diapers, wiping her body, turning her frequently so that she would not get bedsores. After 3 to 4 days of these, Grandma B finally took her last breath with all her loved ones beside her, holding on to her hands, telling her not to worry about them.
Both grandmothers did not wake up from their coma from when they were discovered to their leaving this earth. After listening to these two friends, I ask myself, if I am the children and my mother falls into a coma, would I go the route of Grandma A or B.
If I were the Grandma, would I care if my loved ones took the route of Grandma A or Grandma B? Does it matter? Care to share your thoughts on this?
A centenarian-to-be
Grandma A - if it is just to get someone to do the taking care just because they can afford it, then that's bad. There may be some good in getting a nice and comfortable place with trained staff to take care of her...but not when they just dump her there.
ReplyDeleteSomeone's mum was hospitalised once and one son had to fly home from overseas to see her. The other son kept vigil at the hospital all day and night and the brother asked, "Why do you have to do that? There are doctors and nurses and we are paying them to take care of her, aren't we?" Same mum, same upbringing - something went wrong somewhere.
Oh, the children visited Grandma A daily, they did not dump her there.
DeleteI guess in the case you wrote, the son who kept vigil has a closer and more loving relationship with his mother whereas the other son did not enjoy such a bonding with his mother thus the different view point.
If I am grandma, I hope to be grandma B.. But I want to have wealthy children who cares for me and takecare of me when I'm old, hehe.. I secretly wish to stay and stick with my children when they grow up..
ReplyDeleteThen you need to bond very closely with your sons when they are still young and keep that bond.
DeleteI would be grandma B where I can be surrounded by loved ones when I take my last breath.
ReplyDeleteEven at home, it is not easy to do so unless there is someone sitting by your side 24/7 to keep vigil.
DeleteGrandma B because they always believe it is better to pass away in the comfort of their own home with loved ones beside you
ReplyDeleteDo you believe so as well?
DeleteMmm.. good question. If I were the grandma I think yes I would want family around me, but at the same time I wouldn't want to burden them.
ReplyDeleteIf they can afford it, they could hire a private nurse to take care of you at home and it would save them the trouble of having to commute to the nursing home to visit you daily.
Deleteof course, I guess, most of us would want to be Grandma B to have our children taking care of us.. but most of the time too, we have to be Grandma A because we know we do not want to give trouble to our children and hence willing to be sent to nursing home..
ReplyDeleteafterall there is no right or wrong on this.. to me, both grandma were taken care of, just in a different way - either by the children themselves or by other professionals.. it's not only the action we can see, but also the heart that we cannot see..
just my humble thoughts and we are nobody to judge other people's family matters but see which way is deemed best or most appropriate to them.. in the end, life has still to go on.. :)
Hahaha, you only get to be Grandma A if you can afford it. It costs MYR5k a month in that private nursing home. Of course, this is just a personal preference. Nobody is judging anyone here. Everyone is just voicing their own personal preference. But it will be a different story if an elderly person do not want to enter a nursing home but the children forcefully send the person there. Hahaha, you are so abstract, talking about the heart and such, reminds me of the father who says in my heart I love you, therefore I have to beat the hell out of you to discipline you so is it right to do so? Western and Eastern thoughts differ on beating in raising children.
DeleteEither way is fine as long as you come to an agreement as a family and that she's well taken care of....whether at home or in a nursing home though most would prefer to pass on in the comforts of their own home.
ReplyDeleteYou brought up a very important point - the agreement as a family. I heard of a case where a child wanted to look after her mother at home and so did it despite the other children wanted to send her to professional private nursing care. In the end the mother passed away in her own home and the child who looked after her was blamed to have caused her death by not sending her to professional care but giving the mother non-professional care causing her to die sooner.
DeleteNaturally every person would love to be surrounded by loved ones and loved by them. I can choose but I will never know what tomorrow brings....,,but I can choose to continue to love and be loved. Thank you for sharing this food for thought.
ReplyDeleteYou are welcome! Of course no one knows what tomorrow brings but there is some truth in we reap what we sow so I say, if parents can send their very young children to babysitter, what's wrong with children sending their elderly parents to private nursing home?
DeleteI would hope not to be in that situation where someone needs to take care of me! But to your question, I'd pick A - pay someone to do the necessaries - and my kids can spend the quality time with me.
ReplyDeleteI am the same as you, I hope not to be in that situation too but unlike you, I have no children.
DeleteOf course most, if not all of us would want to be cared and surrounded by our loved ones. The thing is, both grandma A and grandma B have lived to a ripe old age of over 90. And both were already at the end of their journey in life.
ReplyDeleteWe must not be too quick to dismiss grandma A's family because we do not know their circumstances. Looking after a comatose person is a full time job and the family members may not be able to take time off their jobs or her children are already elderly themselves and not able to cope.
Quite frankly, if I were grandma, I would not want to burden my family and at that stage I would not even want to be fed by artificial means and let nature take its course. Prolonging my life a further 1 month or a few days would not bring any benefit to me or my loved ones. This is my personal opinion.
Grandma's A family can always hire a private professional nurse at home if they can afford it since they can afford the private nursing home.
DeleteI am like you too in that I do not want to be resuscitated and do not want to be intubated so I am thinking of writing a living will to state this. No artificial means to prolong my life.
Actually, I wouldn't judge either way. If I have the money to splurge, I would go the route of Grandma A too. If can afford professional care, why not do it instead of depending on amateur care, right? I wouldn't want my kids to suffer inconvenience because of me, especially if I am 90 then they must be 60 rather than 30. Or worse, if there's a few of them, risk them bickering over who to take care of me, who to take what responsibility, etc. I won't want to be the source of my family's disharmony.
ReplyDeleteI think most who would not choose Grandma A route would be those that could not afford it.
Your last sentence is not one that many people would dare to say out loud. So does this mean that poverty brings out the love in the children? :)
DeleteAnyway I think if the children have the means, they could hire a professional private lived-in nurse and another helper to look after Grandma A at home but then this would mean living with strangers which may not appeal to them.
Yeah, if they can afford it, then the live-in nurse option would be even better.
DeleteI imagine the cost would be much higher to have a dedicated live-in nurse compared to living in a nursing home. If I'm not mistaken, a proper certified nurse would charge at least a couple ringgit per hour, and it would be 24 hours a day. It would probably go upwards of RM10k per month? Plus you would need to rent the various apparatus from the hospital/nursing home, that would be another chunk of money.
My grandma was a Grandma B. She was bedridden for almost a year, in between a few emergency trips to the govt hospital which fortunately is 5 minutes drive from our home. For that entire year, I traveled back to KL almost every other weekend and never call up any friends for meet up. But my mom did most of the hard work. I watched (and sometimes helped when I'm back) how she single-handedly fed, bathed and changed diapers for the grandma, and watched how her own body deteriorated for the entire year.
Sure, the relatives would come and visit for a bit, on and off, with a bag or fruits or something, and they would comment on how we should send her to a nursing home to save ourselves all the hard work. When my dad mention that it might be a great idea and maybe we should pool our resources, that was the end of the discussions.
I'm sorry, but if there is a big extended family, I believe only the immediate family, the ones who she lived with, would be doing all the work. I probably would not believe that the extended family would do much more than making snide and thoughtless remarks on and off. I'm probably taking this too personally (hahaha!), but I would go ahead and say: Fuck all the relatives who comment on how it is better to bring the elderly home and take care of her until she pass away. If we could afford it, we would have went for professional help. I don't need to appear to be filial to others, as long as grandma knows then it is all that matters.
You have a right to take it personally as you love your mother and to see her working so hard when she is not that young anymore is really heartbreaking for you.
DeleteI believe all the children of the elderly person should do a roster to take care of her/him if they cannot afford or are not willing to contribute money for professional care. Really cannot expect one person to take full care for the full period. So unfair, aren't her/him their parents too? So why only visit with gifts, they should pull their weight too and help out with the feeding, cleaning and changing of diapers!
If I were the grandma who is so ill, I will not trouble my family to take care of me anymore, they no need to suffer, so do I!
ReplyDeleteSeldom I see mothers having this kind of thought like you. Most people have children because they want their children to take care of them when they are old and need the care.
DeleteI would be able to write many pages on this topic since I had several years experience as Hospis volunteer and had seen so many sad cases which are horrible beyond words. I think I should share them as lessons for all.
ReplyDeleteI am glad the experience taught me well to provide the necessary for my own mother.
Please do share your wisdom about this subject with us on your blog. We have much to learn.
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